Are parents still smacking their kids?

Inquiring about whether the 2009 New Zealand ban changed Kiwi families, Lucy Corry questions as the UK debates whether anti-smacking laws will criminalise ‘good’ parents.

A kind of three-step process is used by Maria* to sort out her two pre-schoolers if they are naughty. “We go from saying ‘no’, to putting them in time out, to smacking them on the hand,” the Dunedin stay-at-home mother says. “If my 2-year-old is hitting his brother, or doing something dangerous, smacking is the only way to make him understand.”

Against physical discipline, Maria, 30, is matter-of-fact. Her husband and other family members are also pro-smacking, as are most of her friends with kids. Spending time on internet parenting forums, you’ll find plenty of mums and dads who share her views, which appears shocking in a country where parents lost the right to physically discipline their children 11 years ago.

“I don’t believe that putting children in time out is enough for some kids,” Maria says firmly. “It’s not enough of a deterrent to stop them doing something wrong again. Smacking helps them learn.”

Back then, she recalls, it didn’t harm her: “Of course I remember being smacked. If you did something really naughty back then you knew what was coming. Some people say it creates fear of the parent but that’s rubbish. I was scared of being smacked, but I never felt my parents wanted to hurt me.”

Her real name is not desired to be used in this story by Maria. She’s not afraid of smacking her kids, but she avoids doing it in public because she doesn’t want to be a social pariah. “Some people are just ridiculous over it and I don’t want them to call the police on me,” she sighs.

“I don’t think they were right to ban smacking,” she says. “Parents need a bit more leeway. I honestly don’t consider a smack on the hand or the bottom to be child abuse.”

‘A THIRD OF NZ PARENTS STILL SMACK’

Outlawed in New Zealand since 2007 is the act of smacking or using “reasonable force” to discipline a child. The repeal of section 59 of the Crimes Act, championed by former Green MP Sue Bradford, caused a massive furore at the time with many claiming that it would criminalise ‘good parents’.

Misunderstood was the intent of the legislative change, which was designed to remove the defence of “reasonable force” in cases where parents and caregivers were being prosecuted for assault on children. In other words, if you were in court for savagely beating your child, you could no longer claim that they deserved it because they’d been naughty.

Agencies were found in a 2009 review conducted by clinical psychologist Nigel Latta, then-police commissioner Howard Broad and Ministry of Social Development chief executive Peter Hughes to not be hunting down smackers and that the fabric of family life was not deteriorating because parents had become too frightened to discipline their kids. Then prime minister John Key said the review showed that light smacking was “acceptable” and that parents were free to choose whether they did it or not.

Thus, it is highly unlikely that someone like Maria will find herself in trouble with police or child protection agencies, but that hasn’t ended the debate. Last year New Zealand First leader and Northland MP Winston Peters announced that he wanted to repeal the law change, claiming that it didn’t work. Similar arguments are simmering away in the UK. Scotland has outlawed smacking, Wales is currently consulting on a ban, and in England Theresa May’s government is facing pressure to follow suit.

Parents in England are in one of many countries where they can still justifiably claim they are using physical discipline to ‘reasonably chastise’ children. A global UNICEF child protection report from last year found that close to 300 million children aged 2 to 4 regularly experience violent discipline from caregivers; 250 million (about six in 10) are physically punished. Just 60 countries have legislation that fully bans corporal punishment against children at home. The UNICEF study found that around 1.1 billion (slightly more than one in four) caregivers say that physical punishment is necessary to help them raise or educate children properly – despite screeds of research that says smacking doesn’t work.

Cited findings by Hilary Nobilo for The Brainwave Trust in 2016 stated that “children who are physically disciplined are more likely to become aggressive and display antisocial behaviors than children who are not physically disciplined. They are likely to have poorer relationships with their parents and are at greater risk for mental health problems such as depression as they grow”. A decade after the law was changed in New Zealand, a 2017 University of Auckland study found that nearly a third of Kiwi parents smacked their children. Ten percent admitted doing it frequently.

‘IF YOU’RE RESORTING TO PHYSICAL VIOLENCE THEN YOU’VE LOST EMOTIONAL CONTROL’

Appalled by those figures is Wellington father Natu Taufale, who vividly remembers being hit as a child. The smacks – sometimes with an open hand, a stick, a garden hose or “whatever was close by” – were administered by his father in the name of discipline.

“My siblings and I were quite naughty kids,” the 52-year-old says. “It was always, ‘wait until your father comes home’. It was just accepted in Samoan culture that you got smacked; it was just part of life. We were lucky though, because they only did it to stop us misbehaving. We didn’t get beatings, or get smacked just because they felt like it.”

The physical discipline had stopped by the time Natu and his brothers were at high school – “We were a bit more mature by then, and also we were as big as our dad” – but he still remembers worrying about how to react.

“I remember thinking, ‘I deserve this because I was naughty’, but I never knew if it would be better to just sit there and take it so he would respect me, or if I should cry straight away so it would stop.”

Taufale, national director of coach development for Basketball New Zealand, appreciates that his parents thought they were doing the right thing. They were first-generation migrants who were under huge pressure to survive in their new country, and they worked hard to create a secure and loving home. But he swore that he’d never use physical discipline against his own children.

“If you’re resorting to physical violence then you’ve lost emotional control. It’s just not rational. I didn’t want to be that guy.”

He feels so strongly about it thatIntervening last year, he witnessed a stranger violently smack a child in a restaurant during a holiday in Thailand with his wife’s family. The man’s unrepentant attitude and his wife’s passive response shocked Taufale. As a father of four, Natu understands the challenges of parenting. He shared his approach of never resorting to physical discipline with his children, opting for more constructive ways to address misbehavior.

Believing that more support for parents, especially young ones, is crucial, he expressed disappointment that the recent law change did not go far enough to discourage physical punishment. Greg Fleming, the chief executive of The Parenting Place and a father of five, echoes this sentiment, stressing the importance of cultural change over legislative measures.

Reflecting on his personal journey, Fleming highlighted the shift away from physical discipline in parenting. He emphasized the significance of building strong parent-child relationships based on love and security. According to him, successful parenting involves continuous learning and seeking support, especially in today’s age of readily available parenting information.