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Winners and Losers of the Rio Olympics

Monday 22nd August 2016

Raise a glass (or pour one out) in honour of a truly insane fortnight of sports.


Illustration: Katie Parker


Winner: Sawan Serasinghe

The Olympics weren’t just about badminton for Australian Sawan Serasinghe. After failing to take home a medal, the 22-year-old consoled himself with a post-Games cheat meal. Clocked it, too: a Big Mac, a Quarter Pounder, two McChicken’s, two hamburgers, 40 McNuggets, six large fries, and six brownies. (8,369 calories all up, according to The Daily Mail.) Who needs a gold medal when you’ve got the golden arches?


Loser: The media

Photo: AFP

As we’ve pointed out before, the Olympics are genuinely refreshing and actually kind of radical; they’re the one time you see women given more or less the same screen time as male athletes. Not that you would know it from the actual coverage of the Games: Katinka Hosszú's husband somehow got credit for her winning gold; trap shooter Corey Cogdell ended up relegated to “wife of Bear’s lineman”; and a women’s judo game was referred to as “a catfight”. The list - surprise, surprise - goes on.


Winner: Eliza McCartney (and Takapuna Grammar School)

Photo: AFP

“I never saw her lose her cool about anything; as a young angsty thing I remember being totally envious of that kind of outlook. Pretty freaking cool that her hard, hard work and that perfect 'tude took her all the way to the podium in Rio”- Lorde on Eliza McCartney


Loser: Rio de Janeiro

The road to Rio was paved with kidnappings, the Zika virus, protests, sewage, and the “Welcome To Hell” banner that greeted visitors on arrival into the city. By the time the Games actually began, there wasn’t much else that could derail them. Well, almost: lest we forget when the Olympic diving pool actually resembled something closer to a cricket field. “Smells like somebody has fart”, wrote German diver Stephan Feck.


Winner: Memes


Loser: Ryan Lochte

Photo: AFP

A quick recap for those not familiar: Ryan Lochte, aka the same guy that once told The Hollywood Reporter that he wanted to be the next Kim Kardashian, claimed that he and three others from the Team USA swim team were robbed at gunpoint during their stay in Rio. Though a confrontation went down at a gas station - here’s a full timeline of the bizarre events - his teammates eventually confirmed that Lochte did in fact make the initial story up. For some reason, one Rio spokesperson would also go on to plead for us to “give these kids a break” (Lochte is 32 years old).


Winner: Simone Biles

Photo: AFP

“I’m not the next Usain Bolt or Michael Phelps. I’m the first Simone Biles.”  


Winner: Fiji

Photo: AFP

In the end, it was easy. Fiji would dominate Great Britain 29-0 halfway through the rugby sevens final before prevailing with a 43-7 win as the final whistle blew. It would be the country’s first ever Olympic win and the second for the Pacific region since Tongan boxer Paea Wolfgramm won silver at the 1996 Atlanta Games. Lucky for their fans, the team’s return home will be marked by a public holiday, the fourth (!) they’ve had in the past two weeks.


Loser: The NZ men's sevens team

Don’t let that ruptured achilles keep you down, SBW. We’ve got your back.

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Loser: The NZ *MEN'S* sevens team

Let's not forget our silver medal winning wahine. The Seven's Sisters did awesome.” — Alicesoapbox

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Hussein is a writer and former editor of
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