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The Bachelor: The things we do for love

Thursday 26th March 2015

Another week, another two cocktail parties. The life so many women dream of.

So much happened in and around The Bachelor NZ mansion this week and it was a lot to take in. We saw Matilda jump off a bridge, a couple of girls take turns in a car, Chrystal marking her territory, rejected roses, and some girls cleaning an alligator enclosure at Auckland Zoo. Ah, the things we do for love.

This week we also said goodbye to Danielle L, who scandalously rejected a rose from Arthur, and Lisa. Things were a little tense. 

The Jaws music returned as Chrystal continued to wreck havoc at cocktail parties, in particular ripping into Lisa. For some reason, Lisa ended up in the depths of Chrystal’s ocean and Chrystal didn’t like it. She brought up that Lisa is the More FM wildcard and everyone knows that the first rule of ‘Lisa Is The More FM Wildcard We Get it Club’ is “do not talk about Lisa being the More FM wildcard”.

However, what we DO need to discuss are the contenders and underdogs. I’ve compiled what I believe are accurate charts, in no particular order, of the girls trying to win Arthur’s heart. Feel free to meet me in a carpark to heatedly discuss this.

1. Poppy: I definitely think Poppy is a real contender and she’s easily my favourite girl. Art seems to really fancy her too and I am STOKED.

2. Matilda: I think Matilda is lovely. Also, she jumped off a bridge because Arthur wanted her to. That’s commitment.

3. Chrystal: She basically claimed Arthur with a single lipstick mark and isn’t the More FM wildcard. You need a bit of shade to balance out all the sunshine.

4. Amanda: A group of violinists were forced to play at that picnic she had with Arthur at Muriwai and I think that says enough.

5. Carissa: She's like an angel. She’s so cute and always finds a way to snap up a rose.

6. Dani: She looks like a great time and she's always livening up the situation. I’d feel sorry for everyone at the mansion if they had to sit in that garden for hours without her starting a gossip sesh.

1. Hayley: I am 100% sure I had never ever seen Hayley on the show prior to her trying to initiate a rap.

2. Alysha: She's so pretty. So so so so pretty. But she seems to shy away and needs to up her game a bit.

3. Brigette: Always looks like she is having the worst time.

4. Shivani: She is a perfect angel even though she’s only featured in approximately two shots an episode. I think with a bit of work we could have another contender in our midst.

5. Danielle B: Can I remove the ‘B’ now that the other one is gone? If Danielle showed Arthur her accordion skills, I’m pretty sure she’d move straight up to the contenders bracket.

And let’s not forget the biggest underdog of them all... 

6. Mike Puru: It’s been two weeks and even though he hasn’t gotten a rose, he still hasn’t left yet.

And yes, I do realise I have left out Kristie and Natalie. That’s because to me they fluctuate from being contenders to underdogs. 

I can’t stop referring to Kirstie as “Arthur, my glass is empty” and Natalie as “This was a really bad time”.

My predictions for next week: according to my horoscope in a coffee news that I found from 2011, Natalie and Danielle will be leaving the mansion.

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Natasha Hoyland is a comedian and extreme pasta enthusiast who enjoys other things as well such as picnics, live music and orange juice. You'll find her at The Classic comedy club or at Denny's.
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