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The Bachelor NZ: Conspiracy theories

Thursday 2nd April 2015

We learn new things everyday, and despite all of the untruthful internet astrology that I’ve spent all my time reading lately, I learnt that I should probably never make another prediction ever again.

This week, Natalie and Danielle continued to stride forward in the competition and instead we said goodbye to Hayley and Shivani. I still don’t know who Hayley is but was really shocked about the elimination of the competition’s sweet sweet angel, Shivani.

Her departure sparked up a few conspiracy theories about the show for me, and I wanted to discuss them.

Conspiracy #1 - Shivani’s departure

She said maybe four or five words throughout her entire time on the show and Arthur just thought “nope”. Either there was little chemistry present (their lack of time spent together was probably a factor) or Arthur just knew something that we all didn’t. If you rearrange the letters of Shivani’s name, you get ‘vaniish’. Coincidence? I think not.

Conspiracy #2 - Dani’s date with Arthur

During Tuesday’s episode we see Arthur and Dani doing all sorts of crazy forest related things. Regardless of her showing complete disinterest when he tried to educate her about baby trees, Dani tells him that “this is exactly what I would’ve picked for a first date”. In this episode, I spotted Dani wearing a crystal on a chain around her neck. Was this done in an attempt to ward off Chrystal? I absolutely think so.

Conspiracy theory #3 - Chrystal is not/will never be nice

Chrystal decided to join the nice club. At least, that’s what she wanted everyone to think. Her plan was to make you think that she was nice when really she’s not nice at all but she’s really good at pretending to be nice when she wants to but she’s actually not nice which confuses you when she’s being nice because you’re thinking “hey, Chrystal’s actually nice” but then she does something that’s not nice and she makes that really obvious, but then you’re thinking “oh no, Chrystal is not nice” and then you’re questioning yourself and all your previous thoughts because you already knew that anyway but then sometimes she acts nice so you think that maybe she could be nice when really she isn’t. Chrystal is a confusing character and everyone in the competition, including Art, who seems to be quite keen on her, has accepted that they will never understand her.

Conspiracy theory #4 - Arthur is a comedian

In Wednesday’s episode, we see Arthur spoiling Chrystal with a pair of (supposedly) Michael Hill diamond earrings. It seems absolutely clear to me that because diamonds are a type of crystal, Art naturally saw the great pun opportunity and decided to give Chrystal the earrings. My point: Art doesn’t actually like Chrystal, he’s actually just an amazing lowkey comedian.

Conspiracy theory #5 - Everyone on this show is actually an amazing lowkey comedian

By the way, I’m going to keep making predictions even though I failed miserably last week.

Despite what I said, both Natalie and Danielle stepped their game up this week, with Natalie becoming quite a clear contender. My predictions for next week’s leavers are Alysha, because she constantly looks worried for her safety, and Kris(my-glass-is-emp)tie.

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Natasha Hoyland is a comedian and extreme pasta enthusiast who enjoys other things as well such as picnics, live music and orange juice. You'll find her at The Classic comedy club or at Denny's.
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