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Predicting 5 future Mike Hosking opinion columns

Tuesday 24th October 2017

We predict what broadcaster Mike Hosking will rant about next.

 

Psych Hosking.
Psych Hosking.

Image: The Wireless/123rf

“STUDY IS FOR SLACKERS”

The one-termers are offering three years of free tertiary education and I am in a glass cage of emotion.

We shouldn’t be encouraging young people to study on the taxpayer’s wallet. They should go out and get a job at 16, like I did. Look at me now, I pull seven figures and own a Porsche. Do you know how many Bachelor of Arts degrees I have? None.

We need skilled workers, not dullards with film and theatre degrees who are going to sit around listening to hip hop music and smoke marijuana all day.

Thirty years ago, certificates were the answer. These days, we’re pumping out slackers who have no idea how the real world works. The Starbucks generation isn’t going to be able to maintain this capitalist utopia of ours.

As always, Labour think they know what’s best for us, but they don’t.

“JACINDA MUST RESIGN IMMEDIATELY”

The housing market is going to crash faster than a stockbroker on cocaine.

Our phoney leader, Jacinda Ardern, is pushing forward with plans to flood Auckland with cheap homes and the bubble will, as sure as I am winning and handsome, burst.

Just the other day, my wife and I had a valuation done on four of our properties and were told three had already plummeted in value by at least two percent.

Peering through the curtains of our third floor bedroom yesterday, we saw a scruffy estate agent showing a property to some undesirables just beyond our street’s gate. What is the world coming to?

Under National, housing was thriving. High prices represented success. This Labour Government has already been an utter shambles and there’s more to come.

Then there was last week’s revelation that Jacinda can’t even keep her troops in order. We still don’t know if Chris Hipkins was using Government computers when he was scammed by that fake Nigerian dating website.

It’s time for her to resign.

“BENEFICIARIES DON’T NEED ANY MORE”

Quite why this Government feels it necessary to give stoner beneficiaries an extra 20 percent a week is beyond me.

Should we be encouraging deadbeat couch-dwelling degenerates to do nothing for something when we’ve got a skilled worker crisis? I am dying inside.

All this extra money is going to achieve is a boost in McDonald’s and Lion Red revenue.

We already know thousands of time-wasters are turning down training or work experience and the plan is to give them more? The cheek!

Here’s an idea: more personal responsibility. The only way we achieve that is by discouraging people from becoming welfare dependent. It’s just common sense.

This Government of election losers is making a mess not even Sir John Key could clean up.

Mike Hoskream.
Mike Hoskream.

Image: The Wireless/123rf

“WEED: BAD”

Deluded Labour are going to legalise a drug that scientists have already proven kills the mind and deadens productivity.

As the presenter of the most popular radio show in New Zealand, I have spoken to many parents who have children addicted to this drug. They are unemployed and bludging off the state.

All the Labour cheese-graters will achieve is driving up the price of marijuana so bludgers are spending more of their dole money on drugs each week.

I mean what’s next? Are the soda-slurpers going to legalise heroin? Or a drug that was very popular in my day - LSD?

Here’s an idea: we could be spending a lot more money helping pharmaceutical companies develop and sell cheaper alternatives to Cialis and Viagra. Just an idea. Don’t read too much into it.

As the old saying goes, I just call it as I see it.

“SIMON BRIDGES IS THE ONLY POLITICIAN WHO CAN TRIGGER A YOUTHQUAKE”

Last week, Jacinda Ardern attended a young farmers event in Okuku - wherever that is - and the turnout was disgraceful.

As she spoke to the crowd of 20ish, I was reminded of a much-vaunted term many left-wing nonsense-peddlers were using before the election - “youthquake”.

Many predicted Jacinda would energise the youth of this formerly great nation, but the election came and went and National delivered her a crushing defeat.

Like my beloved Warriors, Labour will always be perennial losers. You can blame MMP for this fraud Government.

But there is hope. Yesterday, I had an epiphany.

I had popped into my favourite Parnell coffee shop and happened to see young go-getter MP Simon Bridges a few places ahead of me in the queue. I pushed to the front in time to witness him order a french vanilla decaf mocha.

I remarked to my wife, this is a man who the youth can relate to. He looks and sounds exactly like a young Sir John Key, and has wonderful skin.

He is the future of the National Party and New Zealand.

My colleague and acquaintance, Toni Street, may disagree with me. But I know I’m right.



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“Mike Hosking should consider an early retirement, he can then enjoy his Maserati and other endeavours, and leave NZ government and society alone to get on with it. He is out of fashion in my humble view, that is, if he ever was appealing to anyone.” — Marcus


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Max is a journalist who has worked for The Star, Bleacher Report and RNZ News.
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