It's been a wild and woolly year for online content, but who can remember it all? As 2017 draws to a close let's reminisce.
A lot of exciting things happened this year in the wild and wooly world of online Kiwi content. Too many things, one might say, and you could scarcely be blamed for letting each and every one of them sink back into the recesses of your mind as you prepare for the terrifying unknown that is 2018.
But how can we know where we’re going without first examining where we’ve been? In no particular order and by no particular logic let’s remember some of the most thrilling moments of local madness this year.
LORDE AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE SCANDAL
didn't mention taylor, but regardless, i fucked up & that was really insensitive. i'm sorry 🌹— Lorde (@lorde) June 20, 2017
Lorde caused a little melodrama (har har) in June when she compared the restrictions placed on her and her famous pals to “having a friend with an autoimmune disease”. Taylor Swift fans bristled at having their idol compared to a debilitating illness while sufferers of debilitating illnesses were equally displeased to be lumped in with the likes of Swift. Lorde, who presumably googled autoimmune diseases, apologised nicely (as she is wont to do) and everyone immediately forgave her.
MAX KEY MERCH
Ever had a hankering for a hoodie with a small bitmoji image of Max Key holding a literal key? Dreamed longingly on having his washboard abs displayed on your comparatively meaty torso? Wondered if it’s time that you upgraded your fidget spinner to one emblazoned with the former first son’s cartoon visage?
Well, this year your dream came true with the arrival of Max Key Merch. As launched in a very clever, bait and switch, John Key cameoing video in September, 2017 became the year that you (yes! you!) could finally cop some sweet gears and declare your love for dear Max. While I am unable to find any end of year sales stats, we can only assume that his lovely wares were very popular with all the girls and boys.
LIZZIE MARVELLY vs TOP
Having demonstrated with aplomb how to dig one’s self a hole just a week earlier, Gareth Morgan and his then-TOP PR hole-digger (see below) Sean Plunket decided that the best way forward with their campaign would be to pester musician and columnist Lizzie Marvelly, who was one of the many people who dared say “hey, how’s about we don’t use pig and lipstick metaphors to discuss the first female leader of a major political party in fucking forever”* (*paraphrased).
Here is just a small snapshot of my last few days on social media. You tell me whether they really wanted a "respectful debate". So over it. pic.twitter.com/hA8bul07JF— Lizzie Marvelly (@LizzieMarvelly) August 23, 2017
Sadly for TOP this strategy somehow did not get everyone to finally pay attention to all their fabulous policies and as we go to print the party are more or less dunzo! But if harassing women on Twitter won’t work what will? A head scratcher for us all.
What was your favourite part of waiting for the election to be over? #JacindaWombWatch2k17? Bill English shivering in the shadow of John Key? Gareth Morgan blocking everyone and their mum on Twitter? That guy with a hard-on for hot communists? Patrick Gower’s alliteration?
Mine was this very fetching portrait by artist Hazel Hunt depicting our beloved Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern in the style of Edvard Munch’s The Scream put for sale on Trademe at the end of the election. Who was the lucky winning bidder? Please get in touch to discuss your wonderful 2017 art acquisition!
SEAN PLUNKET'S SOCIAL EXPERIMENT
There were thousands of bad Weinstein takes this year from men keen to demonstrate how chillingly cavalier they can be about decades of sexual abuse and harassment and New Zealand’s own Sean Plunket (yes him again) was no exception!
this man was recently appointed to new zealand’s broadcasting standards authority pic.twitter.com/0fYQSH2JoQ— David Farrier (@davidfarrier) October 11, 2017
The former TOP Party communications manager and one-time briefly appointed member of the Broadcasting Standards Authority took to Twitter to undergo what he later explained was a “social experiment” - one which apparently went exactly as he might have hypothesised - before deleting his account in a huff.
Did we all just take the bait and give ol’ provocateur Plunket what he wanted? Or, in a year where a horrifying number of women were feeling rarked up by overly familiar accounts of workplace abuse, was it not at all surprising that little twerps joking in the corner didn’t exactly have us all in fits of giggles? We may never know.
When the latest Mission Impossible wrapped up filming in the South Island in July, beloved Hollywood star Tom Cruise was free to hang out at Scientology headquarters in Grafton and eat all the bourgeois tacos he wanted. It was also when the rumours began: The most titillating, shall we say, being that an unnamed co-star of Cruise REFUSED TO POO IN THE ON-SET PORTALOO, instead being HELICOPTERED back to their personal trailer for each and every bowel movement.
Thank you to the amazing people of New Zealand! I've had a great time filming the next Mission: Impossible here. pic.twitter.com/GqSmAJpQ7q— Tom Cruise (@TomCruise) July 9, 2017
While the constipated culprit was never identified, it seems safe to assume that SOMEONE in our sweet little country knows the truth: in which case I invite them to stop being so selfish and email me all the tea before this rotten year is finally over.